reckless

i cant write.i cant bring myself to write down that fact.i can do it here safely cos i noe he wun ever rd this.it's been almost a wk.i was happy on fri.rly.altho didnt rly gt to go all out like i wanted cos of sm frens who restricted me.nt tt i blame them.i noe they're just being decent ppl.
i noe this isnt gng anywhr.i did stuff this wk tt i wld nvr hv done usually.stuff tt ppl see as improper and ahlian-ish.stuff tt i did out of unexplained recklessness.perhaps i wanted to see how much i cn bear.i didnt gt wasted tho,cos agn,the frens restricted me.

and i cried alot.

even now,when i thnk abt him,my heart still thumps v fast.i am not exaggerating.i always thot heartbroken ppl were being dramatic.now i noe.the physical effects tt cm w the emotional damage and instability are hard to bear.i cn hardly eat a decent meal.one mouth and i'll be forcing the rest down.i cant breathe cos my chest's tight and it hurts.i wait till im damn tired before allowing myself to close my eyes,so i wun see him.i dread the moment tt i wake up,cos i noe it's up to me to talk to him,he'll nvr initiate a conversation w me.all these are much better now.bt it doesnt help tt my parents still constantly remind me to stop thnking abt him and tell me how bengs are nt bf material.they dun understand tt i dowan them to remind me.he may nt be a v nice person,bt i still like him alot.when we started out,i wasnt v much in love w him.i thot i wld be able to maintain tt lvl.now i noe i didnt succeed.he pulled me in,and i went willingly,now he's pushing me away and i dun understand why it hpned so suddenly.

everything i do,everywhr i go,he appears in my mind's eye.when swimming,i thnk of him,and i almost choke.at marina square,i thnk of e last time we were happy tgt.at vivo,i thnk of vday.it's unhealthy.morbid.masochistic.bt it still hpns to me.

every criticism still stings,bt i'll give anyt to hv him back.i wanted so badly to spend next yr w him.he was cruel on mon.i thnk he just wanted it to be fast.i didnt mean to cry and make things difficult.i swear.bt i cldnt help it.i kp blaming myself.if i hadnt told him exactly wad was on my mind on mon,perhaps it wldnt hv hpned.nt so soon anyway.or mbe he has been thnkin abt it fer sm time now.mbe to him i was just a kid.my only hope is..yea.i cant spell it out.cos it may crash.
i cant do this alone.i rly cant.im nt as independent as i want to be.i nd him talking to me.i dun crave fer his constant attn.he didnt nd to constantly attempt to show interest in my everyday life.i didnt expect tt,and smhow im kinda angry tt he didnt say it earlier.i wld hv told him tt it's nt necessary,tt he nd nt hv felt obliged to show an interest.he only told me when it ended.

ppl tell me thr are nicer guys out thr.wini and junqi says i shldnt tolerate him.bt i did it willingly.i whine abt it to my frens,bt i noe he doesnt mean all the mean stuff he does and say.i dun mind.and i still look fer him in every guy.

i miss him.alot.and i rly rly dno how long this agony will last.he said we cn still be frens.bt im afraid he'll cut me off completely.
i want to tell him everything tts gng thru my mind,nt regarding him.i want to noe he still cares.bt im rly nt sure.

ouch.you know?do you gt it?i dun thnk anyone does.and now i cant talk to anyone tt may understand,cos those ppl hv alr listened once.

i wish i cld restart the game ]:

he ended it on 21 dec 2009.and took most of me with him.